Could have been
by blueforu
Summary: One shot what if Spencer had been what Paula wanted her to be? Straight, unhappy, and married.


Title: Almost

Idea: Spencer reflects on the years she could have had...

Not very well written just for fun I guess... Written on my phone

...…

With age things of the past become a blur, unable to place certain facts or feelings but your remembering none the less.

Your can't shake away her laugh even though through the years it lost it depth. Her smile, her dimples and how she took hours getting ready. You can almost see her face as she listen to your voice, the crinkle between her brow when she disagreed with words said and a slight nod when she did.

You can picture the first time you meet as you waited for your brother Glen who almost passed away on his 87 birthday. However you can't picture your mother's and father's face -without having to look at old pictures without frames- the distaste they had for her. Your other brother Clay is a blur you just know he was a part of your life at some point and you don't have a clue as to where Glen had placed the only pictures of Clay; the only one who supported you till he died in a car wreck during prom his senior year.

But you don't want to think of the family you have lost or your three children and husband who still are living.

Instead you rather picture what could have been.

High school had been a confusing time with Madison- who you lost track of- making your life horrible and your crushes ex-his name you try not to say- making moves on you each day. You should have stood up for her but instead you fell in with the pack; staying the right way.

You can't really state why she tried so hard to be in your life, your weren't amazing.

A below average girl without a tan and brownish blond hair who favorite tv show was friends. You can never understand why your shade of blue eyes were her favorite sight.

In your living room that is hardly lived in you have an open box. Inside are knickknacks, charms, and a picture book.

Every page holds a bit of Ashley memories.

The first page is facts where she was born, who her parents were, and a picture of Ashley father holding his first little girl, second being Kayla.

Flipping the pages you feel yourself becoming cold, the heater won't change it though.

Ashley was beautiful even when she was six to sixteen by making fake gang signs with Madison or playing the guitar with her dad.

Ashley was everything you ever picture her to be. You hate to think of the day you came home and both of your parents had a man over who would fix you of being gay; oh how you wish you could have runaway.

You have scars on your hips of were that "doctor" had shocked you with volts or the burnt marks on your back and breast. He would have killed you if you hadn't lied about being straight.

You grew in fear and blamed Ashley for how she showed you the real you.

She never came to safe you; instead she was on to the next girl until she saw you at school the next year blaming your parents for her unable to reach contact.

Never again, you had told yourself and from that moment on you watched from afar.

You married a man while Ashley lost her dad, you went to a college as Ashley had sex with more and more women and men.

You meet her again in the middle of your life; your new born daughter was hardly a year old.

Ashley had caught a disease, HIV that's when she found you again even though you never really left her.

For months you stayed by her side, the HIV was AIDS by then and she didn't believe in suffering by hardly living.

You grew to know her and felt the old feelings again, you never spoke of them.

Ashley would ask of how your children Matthew, Clay, and Anna-hardly a new born- were but neither of you spoke of your husband.

Filling the gaps of missed time with only a few months that was the first time you had given into lustful love. Both of you played it safe, she didn't call instead Kayla had and well...

You shake your head as you try to sallow the lump forming in your throat, it always hurts.

Looking from page to page you think of how life could have changed. Maybe if you had been with Ashley she still be here and this house filled with memories would feel better and new.

The emptiness inside still growing with each day wouldn't be here and your skin wouldn't have ugly marks that Ashley had tried to kiss away.

Hearing a car door slam you rub your eyes hiding away the book that holds the memories you could have lived and known for yourself, sooner.

The front door opens reveling your son Matt who takes notices of your state of mind, "what's wrong mom?"

You fake a smile as you get up from your chair "Just thinking."

The answer pleases everyone even your husband Dan, no one cares to ask what you were thinking of because if they had you would have told them, that you Spencer Carlin-Upton almost lived happily.

It was a good thing that they hadn't asked or else you would have broken the mask you've been wearing since you were sixteen.

The same mask your parents made you wear, your brother Clay disagreed with, Glen who is a ass went along with, and Ashley who stare broke it.

Spencer Carlin- who could have been a Davis; you almost lived happily.

"Hey mom did you do my laundry?"

You'll never know why she loved your blue eyes.


End file.
